Tuesday, April 17, 2007

An Act of Felix

It's time to muster the terrible might of the Interwebs to right a baseball wrong. I submit that despite their loss at the hands of Felix Hernandez last week, the Red Sox should be credited with a sweep of their recent homestand. To do anything less would be to thwart the awesome power of Almighty Jeebus. Stay with me, here.

Hernandez's one-hit demolition of the Sox looks more and more impressive now that we have a little bit of distance on it. In their four wins over the course of a recent five-game homestand against the Seatttle Mariners and the Aztlan Angels, the Red Sox scored 14, 10, 8, and 7 runs. But in the game against Hernandez, they barely got the ball out of the infield. Here's what I wrote about Felix before this season started:

I don’t think anyone expected an ERA+ of 96 out of Felix last year. That led to a lot of hand-wringing last year about why Felix underperformed expectations. It seems like the answer seems a combination of bad luck, bad pitch selection, and an increase in FB rate that led to an unhealthy HR rate early in the season.

Felix’s bad luck is shown most clearly by the gap between his ERA and his xFIP. Felix’s xFIP was 3.56, second in the AL behind only Johan Santana. Given that the M’s play in a pitchers’ park and have a pretty good defensive club, that nearly full-run gap between results and expected results is really surprising.

Felix reported to camp this year between 20 and 30 pounds lighter, depending on who you believe, so it looks as though he’s determined to do what he can to keep himself healthy. There’s no reason he shouldn’t be a top 5 starter in the league this year.

So, at this point it's pretty clear that he was just sandbagging last year, doing the baseball version of wandering in the desert. This year, given that his ERA so far is 0.00, he has apparently chosen to assert his infallibitity. While it's been a while since I went to CCD, I'm 98% sure that infallibility is the exclusive domain of God. Thus, Felix clearly is seated as the right arm of the Father, and is himself a god. (A god. Not the God).

That's why I'm decreeing that the Sox' loss to Seattle wasn't really a loss at all, but rather an Act of God accomplished through His only begotten right arm, Felix Hernandez. The Red Sox should not be held accountable for bowing to the will of the Almighty. Hell, they should be rewarded for that kind of thing. Therefore, major league baseball should immediately declare the Sox the winner of the game, giving them a clean sweep for the homestand. I assume that Felix and the Mariners care not for these Earthly concerns, so that shouldn't be a problem. This seems like a win-win to me: the Sox get an actual win, and Felix gets the pub he deserves for being a divine being. Let's get started on this, people.
P.S.: Bonus points to whoever can explain to me why the above Jesus jersey has a number 7 on the back. I could see 12. I could see 3. I could even see a little sideways 8/infinity sign. But I'm stumped by 7. Theories?

1 comment:

El Angelo said...

Seven Sacraments? Seven Holy Days of Obligation? Seven Deadly Sins? Frankly, 40 would've been the best number.

Also, the Aztlan movement wants to undo both the Mexican War AND the Gadsden Purchase? Who do these pricks at the league office think they are?