Moderator: Welcome to the First Ever Wankdorf Mock Draft! We're coming to you live from online headquarters, where I'm joined by esteemed colleague and draft savant Mel Kiper Jr. and Tim McCarver. Actually, Tim will be joining us soon, as he's running late after getting a colonoscopy. Mel, how the hell are you today?
Kiper: I'm doing just FABULOUS today, thanks buddy. We've got a lot to talk about today, Calvin Johnson, the DeMarcus Rusell/Brady Quinn debate, what direction the Lions should go...
Moderator: Mel, Mel, that's next week's chat. We're here today to talk fantasy baseball.
Kiper: Fantasy baseball? Although I'm opposed to any sport that encourages the wearing of bouffant-defying hats, how hard could it be? Let's do it!
Moderator: We'll be going through the first two rounds, based on the consensus pick reached by myself, Mel, and Tim, once Our Proctologically Unsound analyist makes it in. In between picks, we'll be taking your calls, emails, and letters. Let's get right to the top of the draft. First on the clock are the lucky winners of the lottery, Ed Rooney's Office.
1st Pick (Ed Rooney's Office): Mark Teixeira, 1B, Texas Rangers. The Child Molesting Principals return to their roots by reloading on their first prospect, who's now a stud first basemen. With a pissload of speed and pitching and no power whatsoever to speak of, the 35+ homers T-Rex should provide each year makes him the safe and strong pick.
Moderator: Mel, I think you can't go wrong picking a stud hitter first off. What do you think?
Kiper: I would've gone with Calvin Johnson personally. He's got freakish speed, can run a 4.4 40, can be a game changer...
Moderator: Mel, we're still not doing football. Don't make me bring Bill Polian out here.
Kiper: I still would take Johnson. You're telling me he can't steal 50 bases in the pros? This team could've made him the cornerstone of their outfield. Also, he looks good in jeans, which I believe Joe Morgan says is key to big-league success.
Moderator: Let's move on to our next pick, for the revamped Lefty's Revenge:
2nd Pick (Lefty's Revenge): Adam Dunn, OF, Cincinnati Reds.
Kiper: Clearly, this is a tremendous pick here by the Southpaws. Dunn is what we cognoscenti like to call "five category players": he'll score on HR, OBP, R, RBI, and strikeouts. Tremendous upside here, this is what I love to see, a good kid getting a chance.
Moderator: Strikeouts are not an offensive category. Let's take an email, this one from Val V. in Glen Cove, New York. "I believe the next pick here has to be Nomar Garciaparra. I was told that picking him is a two-for-one deal, you also get something called Thanks Beautiful, which is his new chardonnay." Mel, your thoughts?
Kiper: Nomar has that tenacity you want to see in a gamer, but he's just not ready for the first round. If the Bengals were on the clock, though, I would agree.
Moderator: Instead, we turn to the Arizona Cardinals of the Wankdorf League, the Sex Cannons.
3rd Pick (The Sex Cannons): Victor Martinez, C, Cleveland Indians.
Kiper: I'm a big believer in drafting for position, and this is a great job of this. The only thing I ask is whether we're seeing the next Matt Millen here. Didn't this team draft Jorge Posada a year ago?
Moderator: On the clock now are the bobcat goldthwaits, who were affectionately dubbed the broken shift keys last year for their constant refusal to use capital letters. I think they go pitching here.
4th Pick (bobcat goldthwaits): Joe Nathan, RP, Minnesota Twins.
McCarver: Good morning gentlemen! I'm cleaned out from head to rectum, and ready to offer what brains weren't flushed out of my ass in the colonoscopy!
Moderator: Let's take a fresh email then, this one comes from David B. from Nowheresville, Michigan: "Dude, how come we haven't seen any Astros taken yet? Reynolds, Lane, and Derek Bell are still on the fricking board!" Tim, why don't you start your day off with that gem?
McCarver: A walk is as good as a home run.
Moderator: Apparently Tim's mission is to fight inanity with inanity.
Kiper: It's worked for almost twenty years. Did you ever see the games he did with Fran Healy? Who the hell is next, I'm PUMPED UP for the 5th pick.
5th Pick (Vandelay Industries): Francisco Rodriguez, RP, L.A. Angels.
Moderator: Do I smell a run on closers? Or is that just Tim failing to cleanup after his Mr. Babar moment?
McCarver: You can't win in this league without elite pitching. It's closers like this fine young man that make baseball what it is.
Kiper: This pick stinks. This shows to me that Vandelay Industries doesn't know what a fake draft is all about. You can't take specialists and make them cornerstones of your franchise. This would be like picking Devin Hester in the 1st round of a football draft.
Moderator: And with that, Mel has now named 38 players who would've been better than Mario Williams for the Texans to take #1 last year. On that note, let's move on to the Sex Cannons second pick in the first round, product of an ill-conceived trade with President Skroob.
6th Pick (The Sex Cannons, from President Skroob): Miguel Tejada, SS, Baltimore Orioles.
Kiper: No word as to whether or not he gave Shawn Merriman B-12 shots as well.
McCarver: Those Spanish countries, they just keep pumping out fine bodies like this character. He's a keeper who wasn't kept.
Moderator: Moving from the profound to the sublime, we now turn to the 2002 champs, the Nigerian Gentlemen, who have a pitching staff more riddled with problems than the Mets.
7th Pick (Nigerian Gentlemen): Jake Peavy, SP, San Diego Padres.
Kiper: Anytime you get a premier player at a premier position, at Seven, you have to pull the trigger. Let's just look at the list: Mike Huff. Troy Williamson. Byron Chipwich. These are tremendous talents who just haven't quite made it, but I won't give up the faith. I just won't.
Moderator: And we know you'll be fighting hard all the way down Mel. Let's move to our next pick, to be taken by The S.O.B. Who Refuses To Have A Real Team Name.
8th Pick (Mike): Ben Sheets, SP, Milwaukee Brewers.
McCarver: Well, that does it for pitchers on my list. Next on my roster listing is Jeff Bedpan, who was World Series MVP for My Cardinals last year. I believe that Bob Gibson is officially rolling over in his grave.
Moderator: You realize he's not dead, right Tim? Tim? Yoo hoo? Ok, let's move on to the next selection.
9th Pick (The Spam Avengers): Daisuke Matsuzaka, SP, Boston Red Sox.
Moderator: The TSA rolls the dice on Dice-K, on the apparent assumption that picking a starting pitcher who might well struggle to consistently get out big league hitters is preferable to picking a starting pitcher who has conclusively proven that he is incapable of consistently getting out big league hitters. Tim, your thoughts on Daisuke?
I just think that it's wonderful that we have talented players coming into the league from Asia nowadays. Just think, I very well could have killed this young man's father if I hadn't dodged the draft and spent 1964 splitting playing time with Bob Uecker for the world champion Cardinals.
Moderator: Well said, Tim. [puts hand to ear] What's that? OK, our producers are telling me that Matsuzaka is Japanese, not Vietnamese, and that even if he was Vietnamese, large numbers of U.S. ground troops didn't arrive in Vietnam until 1965. Oddly, there's no correction on either the draft-dodging or Bob Uecker points.
10th Pick (Hand Banana): B.J. Ryan, RP, Toronto Blue Jays.
McCarver: This might be a bit early for him, but I like Surhoff this year to lead the Orioles in home runs, RBIs, and have a nice year defensively. And this is what I don't like about this fantasy crap. How can you call this an accurate depiction of anything when you don't give stellar defensive players like Derek Jeter credit for fielding and leadership?
Moderator: (head shaking) I don't know what part of that to start with. Let's jump to an email from Joe M. in Cincinnati: "What is WHIP? Isn't that what we used to do to non-athletes in the offseason?" Either of you gents care to chime in here?
McCarver: I am unaware of anything not handed down to me by my baseball mentors. If it was good enough for Cap Anson, it's good enough for me. Mel?
11th Pick (Evil Empire): Gary Sheffield, OF, Detroit Tigers.
Moderator: The Dark Forces, who are not one to "trend young", per se, continue with taking a still productive nonagenarian to round out their outfield. There's downside risk that he might be dead or indicted by his 3rd year for BALCO or just being a jackass in general, but it's a safe pick.
Kiper: This is reminiscent of those Redskin teams that would just traded away everything for veterans back in the day. I'm glad to see they've brought that back in the Snyder Administration, and applaud Senor Empire for continuing the proud tradition of anti-ageism in fantasy sports as well.
McCarver: The postseason is all about veterans, clutchness, and the ability to focus on the big picture and the little things. Sheffield possesses some of those qualitites, and they're mostly irrelevant.
12th Pick (Le Dupont Torkies): Hideki Matsui, OF, New York Yankees.
Moderator: And we continue our proud run by ending out the first round with...yet another past his prime outfielder. Still, he scores in multiple categories and plays for a borderline offensive juggernaut, so you can't argue with the pick too much. On to the second round, where the players get more anonymous and specific to team needs.
13th Pick (Lefty's Revenge): Brandon Phillips, 2B, Cincinnati Reds.
McCarver: Case in point. I never heard of this guy until American Idol.
Moderator: How many players in the NL can you name Tim? Besides Cardinals?
14th Pick (President Skroob, from The Sex Cannons via Hand Banana): Troy Glaus, 3B, Toronto Blue Jays.
Moderator: Maybe a touch high for a 3B, but fantastic value if he re-establishes eligibility at SS.
Kiper: Here's a guy with the potential to be the Marques Colson of the '07 fantasy baseball season. Sure, Glaus's 40-yard dash has to be timed by measuring the decay of certain radioactive isotopes, but Toronto might still find him preferable to the altenatives.
15th Pick (bobcat goldthwaits): Bobby Jenks, RP, Chicago White Sox.
Moderator: Looks like the run on closers is on. Jenks is a portly flamethower who should be effective if he can keep himself healthy despite Chicago's various culinary temptations. Let's take an e-mail from our readers. email@example.com writes:
"FAT MAN IN A LITTLE COAT!!!"
Moderator: Not sure there's a whole lot to add to that particular comment, so we'll move on. Ed Rooney's Office is back on the clock.
16th Pick (Ed Rooney's Office): Eric Chavez, 3B, Oakland Athletics.
Moderator: Chavez had both lousy injury luck and a terrible BABIP last season, making him a strong bounceback candidate. Three years ago, people were touting him as an MVP candidate.
McCarver: According to my sources, Billy Beane ruined Chavez by tracking his performance using something called "statistics." I'm not sure what a statistic is, but I am certain that they need to be stopped. Heck, I've been told that statistics could even make the career of the great Bob Uecker look subpar.
17th Pick (Vandelay Industries): A.J. Burnett, SP, Toronto Blue Jays.
18th Pick (Ed Rooney's Office from President Skroob): Chris Young, OF, Arizona Diamondbacks.
Moderator: Young has a nice blend of power and speed, and plays in a hitters' park. It's an upside pick for the Nine Times, who have kept/picked no position players over 30, and are clearly playing for next year.
Kiper: I don't like the pick. If the Adrian Peterson/Adrian Peterson and Tom Brady/Kyle Brady battles have taught us nothing else, they've taught us that you should never pick a guy without being certain that there isn't another, better guy in the league who shares his full name, or a better guy on his own team who shares his last name. Chris Young (SP, SD) and Delmon Young (OF, Ed Rooney's Office) are both better. Jinx.
19th Pick (Nigerian Gentlemen): Brad Lidge, RP, Houston Astros.
Moderator: Here's proof that neither the absence of a full complement of connective tissue in a pitching shoulder, nor the presence of a Mitch Williams-level psychological block can stop a guy from getting drafted in Round 2. Inspiring, really.
20th Pick (Mike): Takaishi Saito, RP, Los Angeles Dodgers.
McCarver: Ooh, Mike makes a bad tactical error! The Asian guy was already taken with the 9th pick!
Moderator: Tim, I'm obliged to point out that Daisuke Matsuzaka and Takashi Saito are in fact two different people. The observation that they spell and pronounce their names differently ought to have been a tipoff.
21st Pick (The Spam Avengers): Chien-Ming Wang, SP, New York Yankees.
Moderator: OK, Tim, gonna have to cut you off right there. Wang is a Yankee; could you at least say something vaguely appropriate about him on that basis?
McCarver: I once gave Derek Jeter a handie in Monument Park, and he ejaculated in the classiest manner it has ever been my privilege to see. Also, he smells like rainbows.
Moderator: To me, that's stretching the definition of "appropriate" probably just a bit too far. But I guess it's too late now. Let's finish up these last few, shall we gentlemen?
22nd Pick (Hand Banana): Brad Penny, SP, L.A. Dodgers
23rd Pick (The Sex Cannons from Evil Empire): Richie Sexson, 1B, Seattle Mariners
24th Pick (President Skroob from Le Dupont Torkies): Rich Harden, SP, Oakland
Moderator: Final thoughts from our panel today?
Kiper: I think a lot of teams really helped themselves today, twelve to be precise. These are players that will add stats to their roster, fill out categories, win games, and lead them to victory. I will resist the temptation to make an Antonella Barba joke off that last selection.
Tim: I won't say anything until Bernie Williams gets taken.
Moderator: And I'm going to take that as a blessing and a cue to call it a day. We thank you for joining us today, and appreciate all the fan mail, especially the gift-wrapped undies from someone just described as Ironhead!