AUTHORS' NOTE: We're not in midseason form yet, but as long as we get our work in and mind our groins, we'll be fine. (Teddy)
And we’re coming to you LIVE from the Big Apple with the kickoff edition of your best friend and true love, the Wankdorf Transactions Analysis! We’re here once again to bring you insight, intelligence, wisdom, contemplation…oh, to hell with it, just sarcasm and snarkiness on the trades and acquisition that make up our humble league. This year’s series should be extra-special since it’s almost a fait accompli that your authors will be engaged in an epic duel for the cellar. To sum up: those who can, win. Those who can’t, write TAs. This week, we analyze the multiple trades that pre-dated our keeper lists and lottery. (ElAngelo)
Ah, March. For ElAng and I it marks the end of the long, cruel off-season joke of pretending to care about our jobs and loved ones, and the beginning of six months of ad hominem attacks on mediocre ballplayers interspersed with occasional hopeful bleats regarding proper fantasy strategy. I’d like to start by noting that I will cook and eat a printout of this TA if I hit the board this season. As a further incentive to stay tuned, at some point this season I intend to do a commentary consisting entirely of Young MC lyrics. It will have to wait, however, as even Young MC couldn’t write a line that scans and rhymes with Ianetta and Papelbon. (Teddy)
Traded Miguel Cabrera, OF, Florida to The Sex Cannons for their 2nd round pick in the 2007 draft.
There’s certainly no question that double-keeping David Wright was a good call. But Jimmy Rollins over Cabrera? I suppose picking up the #14 pick makes up the differential, but speaking as a person that’s suffered through the interminable foibles known as Rollins Sucktitude, I think I would’ve thrown him back to the wolves. Hell, there’s a fine chance Rollins would have survived into the 2nd round. Or maybe I’m nuts. (ElAngelo)
(Above: Jimmy Rollins. No, seriously.)
I think the idea here was that draft picks have a non-linear value—the gap between a 1st rounder and a 2d rounder is much bigger than the gap between, say, a 4 and a 5. So if you have to flip somebody, you try to flip the guy who buys you a ticket at the big boys’ table. That said, I’m not sure that mid-2d round is high enough to qualify. (Teddy)
Le Dupont Torkies
Traded their 2nd round pick in the 2007 draft to President Skroob for a 4th round pick in the 2007 draft and Jon Papelbon, SP, Boston.
The other options weren’t particularly appealing for the Twelfth Keeper Spot, so a fun flyer gets taken on Pap Smear by the defending champs, at the price of moving down 22 spots in the draft. There’s no real way to evaluate this trade as Papelbon is a titanic question mark; if he turns into a #3 starter or reverts to closing, it’s a steal. If he doesn’t, it’s a waste. (ElAngelo)
See above. I would have stayed put and kept some other innings-eater type. It’s a bold move, though—Les Torkies will need some help to rebuild after the stupidly comprehensive team he had last year got broken up. (Teddy)
Traded Scott Kazmir, SP, Tampa Bay to The Spam Avengers for Bill Hall, Jack of All Trades, Milwaukee.
Traded Hall; Derrek Lee, 1B, Chicago (NL) and Chris Ianetta, C, Colorado to Mike for Frank Thomas, DH, Toronto; Prince Fielder, 1B, Milwaukee; Jason Schmidt, SP, Los Angeles; Dontrelle Willis, SP, Florida; Jose Valverde, RP, Somewhere; and Anthony Reyes, SP, St. Louis.
Your narrator was extremely dubious of the initial deal here; while there’s an extra year of eligibility on Hall over Kazmir, Hall’s about to become an OF in 2008, and Kazmir’s a potential stud. But then there’s this epic slew of talent taken from Mike, and….wow. The Mickelson’s Lovers went from also-rans to patently intriguing in the span of 3 minutes. (ElAngelo)
This team is aptly named, as seeing them loading up for a run at the board this season is as off-putting as seeing Mickelson fail to fail in a major. In a draft where there won’t be that much pitching available, he just accumulated an awful lot of it. Well done.
In other news, am I the only one who’s pretty sure that Mickelson isn’t the real father of that flock of golden-haired Stepford children that gather around him after every tournament win? Seems to me like a couple of them have Fred Couples’ nose, and at least one other has a suspicious hint of a Scotch brogue. (Teddy)
(at right: a bastard)
Traded Frank Thomas, DH, Toronto; Prince Fielder, 1B, Milwaukee; Jason Schmidt, SP, Los Angeles; Dontrelle Willis, SP, Florida; Jose Valverde, RP, Somewhere; and Anthony Reyes, SP, St. Louis to Lefty’s Revenge for Bill Hall, Clitoris Maestro, Milwaukee; Derrek Lee, 1B, Chicago (NL) and Chris Ianetta, C, Colorado.
I applaud the chutzpah of taking on no pitchers and going with a solid lineup (save for Ianetta, which puzzles me) and saying to hell with it for keeping pitchers. Still, I wonder if this was the best return possible; I feel like Schmidt & Willis alone would have fetched a pick or two, and it’s not like the Mickelsons were in tremendous bargaining position here, as they gave up a stud off an injury, a catching prospect and a potential fluke. There’s something to like here, I’m just not sure this is a slam-dunk. (ElAngelo)
Lee’s injury shouldn’t be anything to worry about. The deal turns on whether Ianetta develops into a top-4 catcher, as there’s usually a pretty big gap between the few offensively useful catchers and the rest of the pack, who are just differing degrees of terrible from a fantasy perspective.
The no-pitcher keeper list is fun, too. $20 says that he loads up on closers, and then tries to sparingly start just enough back-end rotation guys to get to the minimum innings level. I thought about trying that myself a few years ago, and am going to enjoy seeing it in action (assuming I didn’t just spoil the plan. In which case I will claim that this is just payback for him keeping this G-D team name despite the relentless TA campaign to overturn it). (Teddy)
Traded Jon Papelbon, SP, Boston and a 4th round draft pick in the 2007 draft to Le Dupont Torkies for their 2nd round pick in the 2007 draft.
And just like that, boys and girls, I flip a player I wasn’t going to keep to move up 2 rounds in our draft. Granted, the talent pool is so shallow that I may be picking Miguel Cairo in the 2nd round, but I’m patting myself on the back for getting something for nothing. (ElAngelo)
Not much else to say here. The one quibble is that if you think your team sucks, you should be hoarding young high-risk/high-reward guys instead of flipping them. But that’s minor.
It will also be fun to see who Angelo takes in the 14th and 15th rounds, when everybody else will be done picking. There’s a non-zero chance that he takes advantage of our absence and drafts Dave Magadan and the backup second baseman for the Brooklyn Cyclones just to make the draft result entry process more difficult. (Teddy)
Ed Rooney's Office (nee "Rebuilding Year")
Won the Epic 2007 Lottery, awarding him the first pick in the draft.
Given the luck that Teddy has had in the last couple of years, there’s almost no question that whoever he’ll draft (Dunn? T-Rex? Peavy?) will end up with a fractured pelvis by May. And seriously, is that the best team name you can come up with? Can’t you name something after Britney’s bald head or Antonella Barba’s boobs? (ElAngelo)
Ask and ye shall receive. There’s a decent chance that the team name changes 3 or 4 times this year in order to accurately reflect my mounting disgust with the franchise. (Teddy)
(at left: He is just leaaading you down the primrose path.)
The Sex Cannons
Traded their 2nd round pick in the 2007 draft to Hand Banana for Miguel Cabrera, OF, Florida.
Normally I’d be wary about trading the 14th pick in the draft for a +2 guy, but that being said, this team sorely needed another triple keeper, and Cabrera is a stud. Throw in the fact that they’re already got two top-6 picks, and it’s a no-brainer. Steal for the Grossmans. (El Angelo)
It’s the 2 early 1st round picks that make this worthwhile—there wasn’t much of a market for +2 guys, which gave the Fuck It, I’m Going Deep squad some leverage. (Teddy)
The Spam Avengers
Traded Bill Hall, Jack of All Trades, Milwaukee, to Lefty’s Revenge for Scott Kazmir, SP, Tampa Bay.
Am I supposed to rationally comment on Kazmir? EVER? Hey Jim Duquette? Fuck you! (ElAngelo)
Man, how good a fantasy player would Kazmir be on the Mets? Pitcher-friendly park, pitcher-friendly league, good defensive players up the middle? Hey Ang, seriously, how good would he be? Ang?
You know, some people would be offended by the way you’re beating that puppy. Not me--I think it's therapeutic--but really. (Teddy)