Why You Need to Stay Virile

For those of you not familiar with my body of work (so to speak), you're going to see a not small amount of horse racing references, allusions and predictions on this blog, which will sadly detract from the serious and grave nature of what we're trying to accommplish here.

First up for this year is the saga of George Washington and Holy Roman Emperor. Both are owned by the Irish Empire Coolmore Racing; the former was a champion miler retired to a life of sex and oats at the end of his 3 year old year, while the latter was prepping to win the exact same races as George Washington. Until, well, they did a semen sample of Our First President. From the Bloodhorse:

Holy Roman Emperor, just turned 3, has been retired to stud at Coolmore in Ireland to replace George Washington following the discovery that the latter, last year's top turf miler, has fertility problems.

The Aidan O'Brien-trained Holy Roman Emperor was second favorite for this year's Newmarket, England, classic, the Two Thousand Guineas (Eng-I), in early May behind the only horse to have beaten him, Teofilo. He was rated the second best European 2-year-old of 2006 by official handicappers, a pound behind Teofilo.

A statement from Coolmore on the afternoon on March 10 said: "In the very early stages of George Washington’s stud career, his fertility has been questioned. Coolmore today brought in veterinary expert Dr. Dickson Varner from the U.S.A .to consult on the matter and are awaiting prognosis.

"George Washington has been suspended from covering and Holy Roman Emperor, another dual group I winning 2-year-old by Danehill and Ballydoyle's leading Two Thousand Guineas prospect, has been retired to take his place."

Coolmore’s Christy Grassick added: "We are fortunate to have a horse of Holy Roman Emperor’s caliber to take over in order to facilitate our clients with mares booked to George Washington."

O'Brien said: "The lads and the boss (John Magnier) had to try and replace him. We were shell-shocked about it here because Holy Roman Emperor was our best horse.

"He was the horse we were looking forward to for the Guineas and the St James's Palace. Paul Shanahan was here at 11:30 a.m. and the box came and picked him up at 11:50 a.m. I spoke to the boss in between and the more I tried to persuade him not to retire him, the more he was convinced he had to retire him."

So keep exercising boys, because once you're retired to make babies, you're emminently replaceable by a teenager with untapped potential and a nice daddy. Somewhere, Todd Marinovich is crying into a bowl of Kix.