Fat Squirrel Keeps Killing the Mets

For the umpteenth time yesterday, the Mets fell victim not to a good baseball player, but to the bat of Pat Fricking Burrell, or as lovingly called by my co-author, Fat Squirrel. This continues to befuddle all Mets fans, especially your humble author. For starters, Burrell sucks. Here's his 10 comparables from baseballreference.com:

1. Glenn Davis (941)
2. Cliff Johnson (934)
3. Glenallen Hill (933)
4. Richard Hidalgo (927)
5. Henry Rodriguez (924)
6. Paul Sorrento (920)
7. Preston Wilson (919)
8. Jim Lemon (911)
9. Tony Conigliaro (909)
10. Leon Durham (909)

That, boys and girls, is a collection of stiff outfielders and never-weres. (All it's missing is Hard Hittin' Mark Whiten.) Sure, Conigliaro wasn't awful, and Glenn Davis was good for about two years before being traded for Curt Schilling & Pete Harnisch, and Preston Wilson had his moments. Which is about what you can say for Fat Squirrel: he's had his moments. Amazingly, ALL of them have come against the Mets.

Burrell vs. Mets:
519 PA, 37 HR, 66 R, 94 RBI, .255 AVG, .366 OBP, .558 SLG

Burrell vs. the Rest of Baseball:
3844 PA, 158 HR, 461 R, 576 RBI, .257 AVG, .356 OBP, .465 SLG

The OBP and SLG differences are insanely enormous. And while the average difference actually doesn't help the argument, the remaining stats, when done by rates, look even more ridiculous. Burrell averages a HR every 14 PA's against the Mets, versus every 24 PA's against every other team. He's good for an RBI every 5.5 PA's against the Mets, while it's one for every 6.6 PA's against the rest of the league. Hell, even one of his five steals came against the Mets.

The last player I can remember killing the Mets this badly was Juan Samuel, who the Mets could not for the life of them ever get out. Rectifying that problem, the Mets traded Lenny Dykstra and Roger McDowell for Juan Samuel, whereupon he proceeded to kill them even more by sucking royally for the rest of the year, to the tune of .228/.299/.300, an almost unfathomable AVG/OBP/SLG line. He was then dealt at the end of the year for the immortal Alejandro Pena, who was the 1990 version of Danny Kolb.

The solution? Offer the Phillies something, ANYTHING for Fat Squirrel. Give them Milledge. Give them Pelfrey. Hell, give them a luxury box at the new stadium. But get him off the Phillies and either into a Met uniform or into a retirement facility. Offer him $50 million to never play again. (They gave that to Mo Vaughn, for crissakes.) Omar, for the sake of all Met fans I implore you: cure our Achilles Heel. Get rid of the bastard.