The GRBG Interview: Julian Tavarez

One of the more unlikely developments of this season has been Julian Tavarez's emergence as a clubhouse "glue guy" for the Red Sox. Tavarez seems to have foresaken his past wall-punching, spring-training-brawl-starting persona in favor of a kinder, gentler, crazy-but-fun uncle approach. We here at the GRBG were of course intrigued by Tavarez's transformation, and were thrilled when he agreed to sit down with us for an interview.

Unfortunately, as with past interviewee Milton Bradley, Julian ended up backing out of the interview at the 11th hour. However, we at the GRBG have never been ones to let the mere absence of an interviewee derail an interview. So we've forged ahead by just asking Mr. Tavarez questions to which he has already given answers elsewhere. Substantiating links are provided.

Gowanus Rotisserie Baseball Gazette: Julian, thanks very much for agreeing to meet with us today.

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Julian Tavarez: "I feel like the president out here. I think this is the most attention I've ever gotten in my career." (Boston Globe)

GRBG: Yes, that's a common reaction to a GRBG interview. After all, it's not often that the web's foremost roto strategy/horse racing/Larry Bird weed-smoking blog comes calling.

Anyway, As a Red Sox fan, I really appreciate all you've done for the team this season. Your enthusiam for the game has been reminiscent of Ernie "Let's play two" Banks.
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JT: "I don't know who Ernie Banks is, but I hope he was a good guy. I'm like him, I hope." (Hartford Courant)

"I'm just here to help the team do whatever." (mlb.com)
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GRBG: Eloquently put. If you don't mind, we'd like to start with a question that has nagged at us for quite some time: how to correctly pronunce of your name. We've always heard it produced JOO-lee-an, as in the douchebaggy son of John Lennon, rather than HOOL-yan, as one might expect with a guy from the Dominican Republic. Do you have a preference for either pronunciation?

JT: "I really don't care. They can call me whatever they want. They can call me [expletive] Tavarez, it doesn't matter." (Boston Herald)

GRBG: Will do. So, [expletive], as a child in the Dominican Republic, did you always want to be a baseball player when you grew up?

JT: If I couldn't be a baseball player, I thought I might have a future as an adult movie star. (Boston Globe)

GRBG: Huh. We won't lie--we're a little dubious about that. There is, after all, such a thing as being too ugly for porn.

We'd better try to verify your, um, qualifications with someone who would know. Hey, Doug Mientkiewicz, you've seen [expletive]'s [expletive] in the shower, right? How about it?

Doug Mientkiewicz: "[Julian] has a lot of movement on his balls." (BlogSox)

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GRBG: Well, there you have it. Given Minky's history, [expletive] should probably thank his lucky star that Mientkiewicz didn't try to walk off with such high-profile balls.

Skipping lightly over any potential follow-up questions on that issue, how have you enjoyed your time in Boston?

JT: "This is a place you want to play. The fans? I won't say they're the best, but they show up every night." (Boston Globe via Baseball Prospectus)

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GRBG: Well, [expletive], that's a pretty [expletive] answer. Points for honesty, though. How do the Boston fans compare to fans in other cities? If I recall correctly, you've had your differences with fans in NL cities, especially San Francisco.

JT: "[Giants fans] are a bunch of a-holes and faggots." (Outsports.com)
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GRBG: Easy, big guy--you could blow out your arm tomorrow, and you don't want to get yourself banned from the gay porn industry before you even start.

Prior to this season, your reputation in Boston was rather questionable. A lot was made of your preseason alleyjacking of Joey Gathright following a non-collision at the plate. Since we here at the GRBG are nothing if not paragons of journalistic fairness, we'd like to give you this opportunity to give your side of that incident.

JT: "I'm not a fighting guy. I get along with my teammates and everybody. When you're on the field, things happen. People say 'you're a bad guy, a very emotional guy.' They don't see what kind of person you are, they see the reaction. I'm a very calm person, but when we're on the field, little things like that get big." (ThinkExist)

GRBG: That makes a certain amount of sense. While we at the GRBG have operated at the very highest levels of fantasy sports for nearly two centuries now, we can't pretend to know what it's like to get in there and mix it up in a preseason game played in front of 1,300 people on the outskirts of Ocala, FL. That's worth throwing down for, no doubt.

One final question, [expletive]. There have been some in Red Sox Nation who have speculated that your improved behavior of late has more to do with the imminent arrival of Jon Lester as a rotation candidate than it does with any sort of spiritual conversion on your part. How do you intend to deal with the rotation battle that will likely result from Lester's arrival in Boston?
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JT: "You hear about whoever throws the first punch gets the win." (ThinkExist)
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GRBG: We think that might be going a bit far. We here at the GRBG would find it tough to support anyone taking a swing at a cancer survivor, especially if the person taking the swing had the option of just gracefully transitioning into a career in porn. Plus, the team would probably trade you if you tried something like that.
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JT: "If I get traded from here, hey I've been chicken [expletive]." (Boston Globe via Baseball Prospectus).

"I'm done with the media. No mas." (ThinkExist)

GRBG: We can't argue with either of those propositions. Thanks for your time, [expletive]. We'll be rooting for you, so long as you don't cold-cock any leukemia victims. In the meantime, readers, please feel free to submit your nominations for our next interview candidate.