Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Perhaps We've Been Too Subtle . . .

As we draw towards the close of 2007, two trends have become increasingly apparent to observant Americans: (1) the country is going to hell in a handbasket, courtesy of a cabal of deranged Southerners; and (2) Boston sports teams are threatening to dominate as they have never dominated before. What most Americans don't seem to have realized, however, is that these two trends are inextricably linked. Consider the following:

For many years, Massholes had a disproportionately large voice in the federal government. From JFK and RFK in the executive branch, to Teddy Kennedy in the Senate, to Tip O'Neill in the House, prominant Bostonians drank and philandered their ways through years of power and influence in Washington. The country responded by strengthening civil rights for women and minorites, expanding the social safety net, winning the Cold War, and implementing new rules designed to liberalize the passing game in pro football. Life was good.

The tradeoff, however, was obvious: in return for heightened political influence, Boston agreed to throw the athletic competitions that mattered most to conservative yahoos. Thus, for forty years the Patriots were incompetent, the Red Sox infuriating, and big-time college sports non-existent. Even the Celtics agreed to use only white players, though that one backfired. (The Bruins were left alone, because nobody cares about placating the Canadians.)

Now, however, we've been subjected to seven years of governance by residents of the South and Mountain West, who have done much to reverse the works of the Masshole years. Boston's influence at the federal level is at its lowest ebb. The result? The Patriots have won 3 Super Bowls in the GWB era, and are in prime position to win another. The Red Sox have won a World Series, and have a good chance to win another. The Celtics have added many large Negroes. (The Bruins remain anonymous. Still don't care about Canada.)

Still, the Southerners appear not to have noticed that Boston is trying to take away all that they hold athletically dear. Therefore, we've been forced to install Boston Freaking College as the #4 college football team in the country. Think about it, yahoos. College football is all you have left. Don't make us take that away as well. We're willing to let BC sink back down into the comfortable anonymity of Sweet 16 appearances, Frozen Four runs, and Meineke Car Care Bowl titles. But we need some reciprocity.

This is your last warning. If stuff doesn't start changing, and soon, not only will BC win the national title, but we'll be sending down Tom Brady to perform gay marriage ceremonies for your sons, Matt Ryan to perform abortions on your daughters, and Kevin Garnett to expand every single one of your wives' horizons. Let no one say they were not warned.


El Angelo said...

Where does Mitt Romney's conservative ass fall into this spectrum? He's a right-wing loon who could torpedo the entire Belichick era.

Teddy said...

Mormons are a category unto themselves. They're the platypuses of American socio-religious orientations.