It Crawled From The North

With football season only just now behind us, and just about everything north of Richmond under a blanket of snow, you might say that it's premature to start thinking about baseball season.

You would be wrong. Because today is Truck Day, Massachusetts' second-most well known semi-fake sports holiday (behind Patriots' Day).

Truck Day marks the departure of the Red Sox equipment from frozen Fenway for far-off Florida, where winter wilts in the sparkling sun (alliteration, what!). Even more than pitchers & catchers reporting day, Truck Day is the signal that the long wait for spring (and baseball) is nearly over after what has been a long winter to date.

With that in mind, we here at the GRBG declare that starting today, it's fair game to start looking over keeper lists, making unlikely trade proposals, and projecting enormous comeback seasons for J.J. Hardy while we wait for the snow to melt. We can all act as thought the season has officially begun to begin.

After all, it's either that or watching the ice dancing from Vancouver.

Goofy But True: The Boston Celtics Should Be Black America's Team

Are you a black American? Are you friends (or at least on casual nodding terms) with a black American? Then spread the word: black folk must support the Boston Celtics, or just come out and admit that to the world that they own a Wayne Newton album.

Yes, yes, I know. The Celtics? The team whose mascot and traditional fan base are each tiny drunken Irishmen? The team from the whitest large city in America? The team of Larry freaking Bird?

Yes. And here's why.

1. The Celtics are the Blackest Team in the 2008 Playoffs

"Blackness" is a slippery concept, especially in the context of athletics. "Black" basketball has often been associated with a high-tempo, offense-first, individualist mentality, despite scads of counter-examples both now and throughout the history of the post-integration NBA (about which, more later). But we're avoiding all that and characterizing the Celtics as the blackest team in a much simpler way: counting the number of black Americans on the team.

Along with Philly, the Celtics are one of only two teams in this year's playoffs with a black head coach and an all-black rotation (Brian Scalabrine is the only white guy on C's who plays at all, and he's 11-deep on the chart and hasn't gotten into a game yet in the playoffs this year). Every other team has at least one non-black guy in the rotation (Walton, Kirilenko, Nash, Dirk, Scola, Peja, Manu, Zaza, Turkoglu, Songaila, Calderon, Big Z), or a non-black coach (Flip Saunders).

Hell, the Lakers, who for years served as the unofficial team of black America, are running out the son of the whitest man in America (Luke Walton, son of Bill), a Euro (Pau Gasol), and a guy who speaks fluent Italian and yet is neither Euro nor in the waste disposal business (Kobe). Kareem and Magic aren't walking through that door, people. Time to adjust to the new reality.

2. The Celtics Are the Blackest Team in NBA History

For anybody who came of age in the '80s, the above statement no doubt seems like gibberish. What about the frontcourt of Bird and Kevin McHale, and the backcourt of Danny Ainge and . . . I dunno, Jerry Sichting? Well, those guys were around, no doubt. But look back beyond those guys, to the teams that created the Celtic mystique in the first place, and what do you find?

• In 1950, you find Celtic forward Chuck Cooper, the first black player ever drafted by an NBA team, and thus the first black player associated with an NBA team (the undrafted Earl Lloyd actually got into an NBA game before Cooper that following season, though only because his team started the season a day earlier that the Celtics)

• In 1964, you find the World Champion Celtics running out the first all-black starting five in NBA history, which included three future Hall of Famers in Bill Russell, Sam Jones, and K.C. Jones. This happens two years before Texas Western's all-black starting five famously wins the NCAA title over an all-white Kentucky squad.

• In 1967, you find the Celtics hiring the first black head coach in NBA history (Russell), who later that season also becomes the first black head coach to win an NBA title.

• In 1984, you find K.C. Jones coaching the team to another title, thus making the Celtics the only team to have won championships with two different black head coaches.

• In 1986, you find another Jones-led team putting up banner number 16 in the old Garden. No black head coach has won an NBA title since.

It's possible to go on by, say, listing the approximately three zillion black players who have had their numbers retired by the C's, but this is a blog post, not a novel. So know your history, know your lineups, and pull for black America's team to win title number 17 this year.

[Braces for comments . . .]

The Assimilation of Dice-K

Even though Daisuke Matsuzaka has only been in Boston for a single season, he seems to be acclimatizing nicely. He's adjusting his training regimen to better accommodate the demands of the U.S. game, and is feeling more comfortable addressing the media.

And oh, yeah--per the photo in the Boston Globe article linked above, he's also grown a mullet:

Look at that baby! That's the finest Boston sports mullet since Zho-ay Zhu-neau's heyday in the early '90s. And even more impressively, look how far he's come since his arrival in Boston last winter:

The Eastern European tight puffy coat of yore has been replaced with the glorious, flowing hair-neck so characteristic of Trans-Am drivers from Revere. By next year, Dice-K will be buying party-balls of Coors Light from Cumberland Farms, and by the end of his contract he'll be a racist douche just like the rest of RSN. One. Of. Us. One. Of. Us. . . .

Daily Super Bowl Hype Meme: Boston vs. New York

For an explanation of the Super Bowl Meme of the Day, click here.

Yankees versus Red Sox! Tomatoes versus no tomatoes! Comical accents versus . . . other comical accents! But Giants versus Patriots? Is the Super Bowl really a New York/Boston rivalry game, as suggested by John Buccigross on SportsCenter this morning? Let's run the numbers.

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Yes, in many ways Boston versus New York is a true rivalry. Boston has long envied New York's usurpation of Boston's place in the financial and commercial world; New York has long been intensely annoyed by Boston continuing to consider itself the center of the universe despite that usurpation.

And it's also true that Boston has been getting the better of New York in many ways recently, from the recent dominance of the Red Sox and Celtics, to the installation of a Bostonian as mayor of New York City, to (SPOILER ALERT) the fact that the mysterious creature that destroys lower Manhattan in the movie Cloverfield turns out to be an giant, irradiated, developmentally challenged 11 year-old from Swampscott, Mass.

But how does that have fuck-all to do with a Patriots-Giants Super Bowl matchup?

The real NY/Boston football rivalry is between the Pats and the Jets, who play in the same conference and division. The Giants and Patriots only play each other once every four years, and even then nobody cares--scores of Giants fans sold their tickets to this year's game to day-tripping Patriots fans intent on seeing the completion of a perfect regular season in person. Can you imagine Yankee fans doing the same thing in the same situation?

The big problem with this meme is that it treats New York sports fans as a monolithic entity. In fact there are many sub-species of New York fan, many of whom hate each other, and many of whom couldn't care less about any potential rivalry game between the Giants and Pats. Because we here at the GRBG are nothing if not sticklers for precision in socio-athletic taxonomy, here is a breakdown of the four main species of New York fan:

Giantus Steinbrennerian

Roots for the Giants and Yankees, the two most popular teams in the region. This sub-species includes both front-running locals and casual arriviste sports fans who can't be arsed to seek out coverage of the less popular franchises. The former can be identified by their mustaches; the latter by their late arrivals and constant Blackberry use. This is the group most likely to care about this Super Bowl, as their Yankee roots cause their hatred of Boston to bleed over into football.

Testaverde Zeilonius

Roots for the Jets and Mets. Includes those who can only afford to buy remaindered sports gear, those attracted to lost causes, and people in Queens. The easiest way to identify t. zeilonius is to mention the name of a former Met or Jet player; if an answering call of anguish immediately follows, you've made a positive ID. This group is actually likely to root for the Patriots in this Super Bowl, out of a combination of antipathy for the Giants and a Stockholm Syndrome-like identification with their Patriot tormentors.

Freemanious Jeteratops

Roots for the Jets and Yankees. Characterized by wild mood swings, as the smug self-certainty of baseball season gives way to the free-floating anxiety of football season. Identifiable from their nesting patterns on Long Island. Were planning to root heavily against the Patriots, until the fucking Giants somehow got to the Super Bowl again, goddammit.

Giffordius Minayan

Roots for the Giants and Mets. Only rarely observed in nature, these reclusive creatures nearly all came of age as sports fans in the mid-'80's when both franchises were good at the same time. They have nothing in particular against Boston, but would like to finally see one of their teams win something as it's been since..., well, the mid-'80's.

* * *

So there you have it--out of the four main sub-species, only one will really view this as a rivalry game. So not only will this meme irritate the rest of the country by forcing more Boston/NY talk down their throats, it's also flatly wrong. For all of the above reasons, this meme gets a 7 on the pre-Super Bowl Story Desparation Scale. Try again, guys.

Perhaps We've Been Too Subtle . . .

As we draw towards the close of 2007, two trends have become increasingly apparent to observant Americans: (1) the country is going to hell in a handbasket, courtesy of a cabal of deranged Southerners; and (2) Boston sports teams are threatening to dominate as they have never dominated before. What most Americans don't seem to have realized, however, is that these two trends are inextricably linked. Consider the following:

For many years, Massholes had a disproportionately large voice in the federal government. From JFK and RFK in the executive branch, to Teddy Kennedy in the Senate, to Tip O'Neill in the House, prominant Bostonians drank and philandered their ways through years of power and influence in Washington. The country responded by strengthening civil rights for women and minorites, expanding the social safety net, winning the Cold War, and implementing new rules designed to liberalize the passing game in pro football. Life was good.

The tradeoff, however, was obvious: in return for heightened political influence, Boston agreed to throw the athletic competitions that mattered most to conservative yahoos. Thus, for forty years the Patriots were incompetent, the Red Sox infuriating, and big-time college sports non-existent. Even the Celtics agreed to use only white players, though that one backfired. (The Bruins were left alone, because nobody cares about placating the Canadians.)

Now, however, we've been subjected to seven years of governance by residents of the South and Mountain West, who have done much to reverse the works of the Masshole years. Boston's influence at the federal level is at its lowest ebb. The result? The Patriots have won 3 Super Bowls in the GWB era, and are in prime position to win another. The Red Sox have won a World Series, and have a good chance to win another. The Celtics have added many large Negroes. (The Bruins remain anonymous. Still don't care about Canada.)

Still, the Southerners appear not to have noticed that Boston is trying to take away all that they hold athletically dear. Therefore, we've been forced to install Boston Freaking College as the #4 college football team in the country. Think about it, yahoos. College football is all you have left. Don't make us take that away as well. We're willing to let BC sink back down into the comfortable anonymity of Sweet 16 appearances, Frozen Four runs, and Meineke Car Care Bowl titles. But we need some reciprocity.

This is your last warning. If stuff doesn't start changing, and soon, not only will BC win the national title, but we'll be sending down Tom Brady to perform gay marriage ceremonies for your sons, Matt Ryan to perform abortions on your daughters, and Kevin Garnett to expand every single one of your wives' horizons. Let no one say they were not warned.

Bill Simmons' Book Is Murdering the Sox

On July 12th, Bill Simmons, who is everyone's favorite Boston-centric sports columnist (except for those for whom he is their least-favorite Boston-centric sports columnist) announced that he is writing a mystery book of some sort.

Speculation on the book's topic has ranged from a history of the NBA from the Magic-Bird Era onward, to an explanation of how it is acceptable to record a rambling, 52-minute conversation with your best friend and then release it as "entertainment", to a devastating deconstruction of Samuel Huntington's controversial political science treatise "The Clash of Civilizations."

All of that is kind of besides the point given that, whatever the topic, Simmons' book has already done more damage than the Necronomicon. On July 12th, when Simmons made the announcement, the AL East standings were:

Boston:........54-34 --
New York:...44-43 9.5

As of today, the standings are:

Boston:........71-47 --
New York:...67-51 4.0

Not content with merely sabotaging the Red Sox, the book has also apparently turned Eric Gagne into Heathcliff Slocumb, and may have actually killed a member of Eric Hinske's family.

So it looks like Simmons has managed to join Matt Damon on my Boston celebrity lead pipe list for the season. On behalf of Sox fans everywhere, I call upon Damon to STFU, Simmons to postpone the book until Bruins' season, and all other tangentially famous Massholes (I'm looking at you, here, Mariano) to just sit quietly, until the threat has passed, for God's sake.

I realize this is all teetering dangerously close to stereotypical Boston panic-mongering, but I don't terribly much care. I'll be rational tomorrow; right now I am fearful and atavistic, like a retard in a thunderstorm. Let's just win another one tonight and get me back off the ledge, OK?