Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Bill Simmons' Book Is Murdering the Sox

On July 12th, Bill Simmons, who is everyone's favorite Boston-centric sports columnist (except for those for whom he is their least-favorite Boston-centric sports columnist) announced that he is writing a mystery book of some sort.

Speculation on the book's topic has ranged from a history of the NBA from the Magic-Bird Era onward, to an explanation of how it is acceptable to record a rambling, 52-minute conversation with your best friend and then release it as "entertainment", to a devastating deconstruction of Samuel Huntington's controversial political science treatise "The Clash of Civilizations."

All of that is kind of besides the point given that, whatever the topic, Simmons' book has already done more damage than the Necronomicon. On July 12th, when Simmons made the announcement, the AL East standings were:

Boston:........54-34 --
New York:...44-43 9.5

As of today, the standings are:

Boston:........71-47 --
New York:...67-51 4.0

Not content with merely sabotaging the Red Sox, the book has also apparently turned Eric Gagne into Heathcliff Slocumb, and may have actually killed a member of Eric Hinske's family.

So it looks like Simmons has managed to join Matt Damon on my Boston celebrity lead pipe list for the season. On behalf of Sox fans everywhere, I call upon Damon to STFU, Simmons to postpone the book until Bruins' season, and all other tangentially famous Massholes (I'm looking at you, here, Mariano) to just sit quietly, until the threat has passed, for God's sake.

I realize this is all teetering dangerously close to stereotypical Boston panic-mongering, but I don't terribly much care. I'll be rational tomorrow; right now I am fearful and atavistic, like a retard in a thunderstorm. Let's just win another one tonight and get me back off the ledge, OK?

No comments: