Tuesday, December 18, 2007

A Golden Opportunity

Today's shocker: after some 28 years of high-profile screeching, Dickie V's vocal cords have staged a rebellion. He needs surgery to remove legions on the left cord. Which raises an interesting question for both college hoops fans and this man:

The gentleman in question is Dr. Stephen Zeitels, the Eugene B. Casey Chair of Laryngeal Surgery at Harvard Medical School, and one of the very few practicing gingerbeards in the nation. The question? Can this man be bought?

Think about it: this dude has the opportunity to strike down Dickey V's monopoly on ESPN hoops assignments. If Doc Zeitels could be convinced--by means of, say, a deposit of gold krugerrands into a Swiss bank account--to "accidentally" nick Dickie's cords, we might see the flowering of a new era at ESPN. Jay Bilas might be released from his prison in Bristol. Bill Raftery might be dragged out of the corner bar, simultaneously improving the quality of broadcasts and extending his liver's functional life by five years. Win-wins abound.

So get it together, America. Dig deep, get those bribes out, and let's help stop the madness.

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