Transactions Analysis: Guest Lecturer Edition

As Uncle Teddy is currently in the throes of studying for Tuesday’s California Bar Exam, he’s indisposed of at least until he recovers from the both the post-exam hangover and the euphoria of leaving scenic Sacramento in late July. But here at the Gazette, our commitment to journalism and snarkiness waits for nobody, so we press on with the authorship of our latest TA. It’s my privilege to be joined by fellow attorney, Hoya, Lion and Met fan Ironhead Godiwala, who is currently stewarding the broken shift keys to an 11th place title, not surprisingly because I helped him draft his team this year. Ready to fill in, Brownie? (El Angelo)

I’m always ready to fill in…your mom. Hah. Use of the shift Key in this Ta will be SpOradiC and may resemble a ransom note. (ironhead)

Presidential Timber

• Signed Chris Ianetta, C, Colorado [7/10]
• Signed Chris Volstad, RP, Florida; Released Brian Bannister, SP, Kansas City [7/13]
• Released Paul Bako, C, Cincinnati [7/17]
• Signed Josh Johnson, SP, Florida; Released Kevin Millar, 1B, Baltimore [7/22]
• Released Edgar Gonzalez, 2B, San Diego [7/25]

There’s something beautiful and symmetrical about the team with the Worst Keeper of 2008 (Rickie Weeks) picking up Ianetta, who was retroactively awarded the Worst Keeper of 2007 after the erstwhile owner of this squad traded away Prince Fielder and Jose Valverde for him. Well played. Also, Chris Volstad sucks. (El Angelo)

Wasn’t “Volstad” the name of the sub chasing the Red October? Who the hell are these people? And why are so many Latin American players named “Edgar”? That’s such a crappy name. I wish we had more names like “Ednison” or “Epluribus” in baseball. And in life. (iRONhead)

Matsui’s Fissure

• Signed Randy Winn, OF, San Francisco, Yadir Molina, C/Scumbag, St. Louis, and Melvin Mora, 3B, Baltimore; Released Michael Bourn, OF, Houston, Ramon Vazquez, 3B, Texas and Jesse Listch, SP, Toronto [7/23]

Out with the old in with the...old guys? Somehow the Anal Rippers have managed to add some AARP memberships and a schmuck in Missouri to their roster while purging themselves of a real stolen base threat. Now I’ll concede that Michael Bourn has exactly zero other assets than being fast, and he may in fact be the real life Willie Mays Hayes, or even just this Presidential cycle’s Kimera Bartee. But Winn and Mora? What are they bringing you towards besides being simply acting as a catalyst towards their Pewter Parachute candidacies? (Angelo)
Randy Winn sucks. As someone subjected to Giants games thanks to geography and a lost remote, I’m continually shocked he still has a job. He’s an ass with a .250 average who somehow manages to get a good reputation outside the City of Foggy Buttsex. Mora I’ve always liked, mostly because of that awesome “playoffs” rant he delivered back in the day. Although I have to admit, it’s amazing what they could do with CGI back then. (ronheadI)

54◦40’ or Fight!

• Signed Octavio Dotel, RP, Kansas City; Released Chad Qualls, RP, Houston [7/9]
• Signed Scott Rolen, 3B, Toronto, Scott Olsen, SP, Florida, Ron Mahay, RP, Kansas City, and Edgar Rentasuck, SS, Detroit; Released Jason Bartlett, SS, Tampa Bay, Mark Buerhle, SP, Chicago (AL), Dana Eveland, SP, Oakland and Matt Cain, SP, San Fran [7/15]
• Released Mahay; Signed Duaner Sanchez, RP, New York (NL) [7/21]
• Released Rolen [7/24]
• Signed Eric Byrnes, OF, Arizona and Chad Durbin, RP, Philly; Released Chase Headley, 3B, San Diego [7/25]
• Released Sanchez; Claimed Michael Bourn, OF, Houston, off waivers [7/26]

I freely admit that the entire July 15th transaction line was an attempt to cut Cain, have him clear waivers and re-set his eligibility while the rest of the league was taking a nap during the All-Star break. It was probably folly to think I could fool all 11 of you clowns, but the downside was pretty minimal, as Cain wasn’t +1 keeper material for me anyway. (It also didn’t hurt that Yahoo was complicit in foiling my plan by not letting me make transactions on the 14th, i.e., Josh Hamilton Day. Thanks, Jerry Yang.) More to my liking is that Byrnes did clear waivers and now is a victim of the DL-stash routine. He’s joining Jeremy Bonderman in the hmmmm category for ’09 rebound keepers. Unlike Chad Durbin, who’s on my roster solely to jinx the Phillies. (El Angelo)

Wow. Now this is a transactions list you can sink your teeth into. And anything that starts off with signing a Royal and then picking up Willie Mays Hayes is gold. But the best part is Grasso’s picking up a Chad, dropping a Chase. It’s like rush week at the Delta House! (headiron)

Wu Tang Financial

• Released Jayson Werth, OF, Philly [7/23]
• Signed Armando Gallaraga, SP, Detroit; Released Brian Shouse, RP, Milwaukee [7/27]

This pretty squarely falls in the category of fucking around with Titanic deck chairs, as the interchanging of boring middle relievers/back end starters isn’t something you can endorse, enjoy, criticize or laud. So I’m going to be crabby and flog Jon for having a such an uninteresting transaction line. Please try to make this more interesting for us in the future. In the world of TAing, the cardinal sin isn’t a bad transaction, it’s a boring transaction. And these are the Sam Nunns of rotisserie baseball. (El Angelo)

“Armando” is just fun to say. Arrrrrrrrrrrmando. (me)

Christmas Critters

• Claimed Matt Cain, SP, San Fran off waivers; Signed Brendan Harris, MI, Minnesota; Released Coco Cordero, RP, Washington and Hunter Pence, OF, Houston [7/18]
• Waived Harris; Signed Eugenio Velez, 2B, San Fran [7/21]
• Signed Joel Hanarhan, RP, Washington; Released Dan Wheeler, RP, Houston [7/22]
• Released Velez [7/27]

My gambit becomes Scot’s gain, as while he did have to use waiver priority on Cain, he wasn’t exactly near the top of the heap anyway, and Cain’s a decent rental for 3 months. Given that the team is really about 50/50 to win it at this point (barring a big move/run from one of the Prophets, Gravel Pits or Mutts), it can’t hurt to add a little extra starting pitching. And once again, this squad is the quickest to get a new closer once Rauch gets dealt. Good think it was the Pederast, Hanarhan, or someone. (El Angelo)

This is fun. Scott gets an ace pitcher and restarts his contract, drops Lawrenceville’s premier lacrosse player in Hunter Pence IV, and drops Velez after 6 days of fiddling. But overall, this is a solid move. K’s go up, WHIP/ERA go down, and Cain’s solid for the next few months, and if he gets traded, will be a solid starter for next year. (not El Angelo)

ceratomyxa Shasta

• Signed Ivan Rodriguez, C, Detroit; Released Russell Branyan, 1B, Milwaukee [7/7]

You can’t argue with dumping Branyan the minute he turned back into a pumpkin, and Pudge is, at worst, replacement value in the catching department. It’s unlikely the Algae of Doom can flip him into something of value beyond this year, but it’s not exactly like there’s a panoply of good catching prospects floating around in the netherworld that would make nice flyer pickups for next year, so you can’t really quibble with either half of this transaction. (El Angelo)

My team sucks underage dick. (Sugar, Mr. Poon?)

It’s Enrico Palazzo

• Released Eric Byrnes, OF, Arizona [7/22]
• Signed Rodney Fernando, RP, Detroit; Released Scott Linebrink, RP, Chicago (AL) [7/27]
• Signed Ubaldo Jimenez, SP, Colorado; Released Joe Blanton, SP, Philly [7/28]

Conventional wisdom would say that dealing a pitcher to a contending team in July is a good thing for him and his career. CW? Meet Joe Blanton, who is now in a bandbox with some hideous outfielders trying to play catch behind him. The cut was better late than never, and a prime example of how real life GM’s can screw you in fantasy leagues. Of course, Blanton was already this team’s 7th starter, so it’s not exactly like it’s a crippling blow to their chances, which is good, because Ubaldo Jimenez this year, I think, has been on the roster of the last 3 league champions, and has failed to contribute anything outside of giving each owner a guy to call “U.J”. (El Angelo)

No. (yes)

Frank the Tank

• Signed Jeff “Fabulous” Baker, 3B, Colorado, Doug Davis, SP, Arizona, and Dave Bush, SP, Milwaukee; Released Luke Scott, OF, Baltimore and Romulo Sanchez, RP, Pittsburgh [7/10]
• Released Josh Banks, SP, San Diego [7/17]
• Released Davis; Signed Mike Pelfrey, SP, New York (NL) [7/20]

Out of fricking nowhere, Mike Pelfrey is the best signing of this TA cycle. What the hell? Mikey, where has this exhibition of command, poise and control been for the past year and a half? The other moves are simply window-dressing, with the exception of cutting Josh Banks. I’m at an utter loss to know who he is, let alone why he was on a fantasy roster in a league that isn’t NL West only. (El Angelo)

See, now this I like. He picks up a cancerboy in Doug Davis who, coincidentally, has the same initials as Dave Dravecky. What this hopefully means is a game where Davis’ cancer-riddled body part snaps like a pencil and flies across the field. Since this cancer-riddled body part is his thyroid, I am especially looking forward to the remainder of this season. But then, probably out of fear of exactly that happening, he gets dropped for one of the few Metropolitans worth a damn this year. I also like how Mr. the Tank balanced the names—a buncha boring guys, blah blah Josh Jeff Joe-Buck Doug Dave, but then a ROMULO! (ignaciohead)

Le Dupont Torkies

• Signed Glen Perkins, SP, Minnesota; Released Eric Stuggots, SP, Los Angeles [7/18]
• Signed Hunter Pence, OF, Houston; Released Armando Galarraga, SP, Detroit [7/21]

What kind of a name is Pence anyway? (El Angelo)

Comanche Indian. Feather, not dot. I am especially pleased with Stuggots, who is almost a palindrome, and sounds vaguely like an insult to our brothers of the homosexual persuasion. And there’s Arrrrrrrrrrrrmando again, who briefly shared a team with Glen Perkins, sausage king of Chicago. ( )