Transactions Analysis Part I: Dog Days Edition

In the immortal words of Dres from Black Sheep: "Back on the scene/Crispy and clean/You can try/But then why/Cause you can't intervene?"

Think about it.

Anyway, in an effort to bring this in under 25,000 words, I'm limiting myself for the most part to chronicling moves which actually stuck. So if you picked up a guy and then dumped him 3 days later, it might not show up here (unless that guy was Ryan "The Cum" Dempster, in which case I will gleefully seize the opportunity for a free joke). (Teddy)

I just returned from an SCPA 1404 examination where the other side tried to prove a dead woman's competence in making a will by noting how she discussed in rich detail her incontinence problem while wheelchair bound. After that experience, brevity is becoming more and more charming in principle. Anyway, we'll get through the half that Teddy started here, and turn to the half I've begun soonafter. It sure as hell beats me thinking about adult diapers any further. (El Angelo)

Lefty's Revenge

Signed: Orlando Cabrera (SS, LAA), Ryan "Donnie" Garko (1B, CLE), Pat Neshek (RP, MIN), Rick Ankiel (Natural, STL)

Waived: Julio Lugo (IF, BOS), Chad Tracy (Doubles Machine, ARI), Heath Bell (RP, SD), Wandy Rodriguez (P, HOU), Dontrelle Willis (SP, FLA)

Thus passeth the D-Train. Willis might be the most successful young pitcher to achieve offical washed-up status since Steve Avery went gentle into that good night about 1o years ago. You'd think that a guy like Willis would be a risk that a second-division club like the Lefties might want to take, but Willis's contract strikes midnight this offseason, and no lottery ticket is worth multiple keeper slots.

Also, you've got to love the Rick Ankiel signing, which gets a fun flyer pick into the hands of a a team owner who: (a) needs flyers; and (b) is a Cardinals fan. So long as they don't let him throw batting practice, he should stick with the Cardinals, while making it extremely hard for even us at the GRBG to make fun of him. (Teddy)

Where D-Train goes in next year's draft is going to be the second most fun fantasy question, behind where the hell Devin Hester gets drafted this year in football leagues. What's more dismaying here is that there's 8 players of utter insignificance for a team that like me is looking to next year: besides the Ankiel signing, there's no chance at all of any of these clowns sticking. (El Angelo)

Nigerian Gentlemen

Promoted: Yovanni Gallardo (P, MIL)

Signed: Jack Cust (Tree, OAK), Pudge Rodriguez (C, DET), Luis Vizcaino (RP, NYY), Danys Baez (RP, BAL), Ramon Hernandez (C, BAL), Melky Cabrera (OF, NYY), Adam LaRoche (1B, PIT)

Waived: Mike Mussina (Racist, NYY), Johnny Estrada (C, MIL), Mike Napoli (C, LAA), Gary Glitter Glover (Pedophile, GBR), Armando Benitez (RP, FLA), Pudge, Eddie Guardado (RP, CIN), Kenny Lofton (OF, CLE)

Come with us, won't you, as we tour the magical land of replacement-level catchers. Thrill! to the huge cuts-and-misses taken by Mike Napoli. Cry! at the measly 5 walks taken this year by Pudge Rodriguez. Laugh! at virtually everything to do with Johnny Estrada.

The Gentlemen's catcher wheel of suck stopped on Ramon Hernandez, who has had a nice four-year run as a second-tier fantasy catcher, but seen his power fall off the table this year. Suffice to say the Gentlemen will still be looking to plug this roster spot come next year's draft.

Hmm, what else to talk about with this club since last we checked in . . . ah, yes, I remember: they took the artist formerly known as Mike so far behind the woodshed that United Nations troops had to be sent in restore order.

I voted against both iterations of the proposed trade for a very simple reason: I thought they were stupid. Now, I grant that stupidity is not generally a veto-able offense. However, every so often in life, one encounters stupidity of such a breathtaking scale that one feel compelled to try to limit its spread. New Coke. Popped collars. Grady Little. You get the idea. Aggressive stupidity of that sort cannot stand. (Teddy)

I've said so much on the internal machinations of the league regarding the passing of Mike that I see no reason to clog up the interwebs with another 4000 word missive, especially when Teddy put it pretty nicely in my place. Let's instead note the enormity of crappy relievers that have passed through this squad as well. Here's the line that the bankrupt firm of Glover Baez Benitez & Guardado LLP put up for the Olowokandis:

61 Innings; 4 Wins, 12 Saves, 57 K's, 5.16 ERA, 1.48 WHIP

That's not even awful, that's poop-on-Sahil's-balls awful. Simply holding onto the carcass of a disabled player would have netted this team more. And despite all that, they're still a few bloops and blasts from 3rd place money. It's a testament to this team's core more than their periphery. (El Angelo)

President Skroob

Signed: Kurt Suzuki (Asian Guy/C, OAK), Brendan Harris (White Guy/MI, TB), Joaquin Benoit (Latin Guy/RP, TEX), Alexi Cassilla (2B, MIN), Willie Harris (Black Guy/OF, ATL), Chris Carpenter (Physically Handicapped Guy, STL), Ehren Wassermann (Jewish Guy?/RP CHW), Joba Chamberlain (Surprisingly Also a White Guy/P, NYY)

Waived: Dioner Navarro (C, TB), Ryan Theriot (MI, CHC), Matt Morris (SP, PIT), Esteban German (Util, KC), Harris, Jorge Sosa (RP, NYM), Carpenter, Wasserman, Yusmeiro Petit (RP, ARI)

A Benetton ad appears to have broken out here in the pages of the GRBG, as last month El Angelo marched all of God's creatures two-by-two on to his doomed fantasy baseball arc. Once you've netted out all the moves, you're left with some speed, a good-throw, no-hit young catcher, and some sort of mutant hick who throws 98. Joba Chamberlain looks like the Yankees' answer to Joel Zumaya, with the added benefit that Joba won't hurt himself playing Guitar Hero unless the next expansion pack includes a bunch of Toby Keith tracks.

There are now lots and lots of options on this roster; it will be an interesting offseason for the Skroobs as they try to sort through the pile to figure out what to do going forward. (Teddy)

The Wasserman pickup was solely because I wanted to get through the transaction roster the guy with the least likely name to actually play for a major league team. He's the Jewish Oddibe McDowell, whatever that's worth. If you could somehow convince Wang Zhi Zhi to pick up a glove, I might ink him. Hell, Ned's Crutches of Destruction would be picked up for my last spot if eligible.

I'm just thrilled that saving my waiver priority all year resulted in Joba, which is an experience I'm fully enjoying, even if he simply turns out to be the White Cerrano. Also, Teddy failed to note that I flipped Joaquin Benoit to the Masturbating Grossmans to move up from the 121st pick to the 97 pick, a pick that last year yielded Ramon Hernandez, who's 3% better than any catcher I've had this year. That will be the move that puts me over the top. (El Angelo)

The Sex Cannons

Signed: Kason Gabbard (SP, TEX), Kevin Millwood (SP, TEX), Jamie Walker (RP, BAL), Ryan Theriot (2B, CHC), CJ Wilson (RP, TEX), Bronson Arroyo (SP, CIN), Fernando Rodney (RP, DET), Jeremy Hermida (OF, FLA), Melky Cabrera (OF, NYY), Yusmeiro Petit (P, ARI), Shelley Duncan (Stepmom, The Hogan Family), Lenny DiNardo (P, OAK), Dave Roberts (OF, SF), Jerry Owens (OK, CHW), Asdrubal Cabrera (SS, CLE), Mike Mussina (SP, NYY), Heath Bell (RP, SD), Joel Pineiro (The NL Sucks, STL), Brian Fuentes (RP, COL), Raul Ibanez (OF, SEA), Jacoby Ellsbury (Bench, BOS), Dan Meyer (P, OAK), Ryan Franklin (RP, STL), Rafael Perez (RP, CLE), George Sherrill (RP, SEA), and Kaz Matsui (2B, COL)

Waived: All italicized players above, plus Casey Blake (CI, CLE), Sean Marshall (SP, CHC), Chris Ray (RP, BAL), and Chris Duncan (1B, STL)

Traded: Petit for a pick and Joaquin Benoit (RP, Texas)

Traded: Willy Tavares (OF, COL), Chuck James (Bitch!, ATL), and Ian Snell (SP, PIT) for Roy Halladay (SP, TOR), Roy Oswalt (SP, HOU), and Kevin Gregg (RP, FLA)

First off, fuck you. My fingers hurt. Anyway, it's officially down to the wire in the Cannons' quest to finally break into the money in the league he's run since way back before his first bout with professional malpractice. The Cannons managed to import just about every fringe member of the Red Sox over the past three years, with World Champions Dave Roberts, Bronson Arroyo, and Lenny DiNardo present along with more recent alums Kason Gabbard, Jacoby Ellbury, and Joel Pineiro.

Those guys are combined with THREE current Texas pitchers, which is at least two more than the Rangers themselves want on their roster. But hey, even if those three aren't talented, at least they play in a hitters' park in the DH league!

However, the above notwithstanding, I am in no way capable of analyzing that mass of shit. I am going to go ahead and assume that there was a subtle yet penetrating strategy underlying all of this, because that way I get to stop and drink beer quicker. (Teddy)

Normally I'm up for a challenge such as separating shit from shinola, but I'm stumped at trying to figure out what the hell the pattern is here. There's no rhyme or reason as to position, team, league, stat category, or type. Even when M*ke did his Rotating Starter Du Jour routine, there was a method to the madness. This is just madness.

The only conclusion that I can come to is that Jake is right: Andy has given up on getting real money in the league having realized that It's Enrico Palazzo is next to uncatchable, and is instead seeking to get the transactions award. Fine. Therefore, I conclude that Pat Neshek has been dethroned. The Pewter Parachute award now goes to Mr. Elders, and since I know where he lives, I can actually deliver a urine-filled cup to his door and properly douse him in it. Congrats Andy, you've deserved this for years. (El Angelo)

The Spam Avengers

Promoted: Justin Upton (OF, ARI)

Signed: Aaron Cook (P, COL), Dustin "Shane" McGowan (SP, TOR), Milton Bradley (Excuse to Link to Myself, SD)

Waived: Morgan Ensgberg (3B, SD), John Buck (C, KC), Bartolo Colon (SP, LAA), Brandon Inge (3B, DET), Mike Cameron (OF, SD)

If Yahoo! is to be believed, TSA have only waived 8 guys during the entire season, thus taking the "stand pat" strategy about as far as it will go. With all due respect to the very nice, very quiet stretch of starts put up by Dustin McGowan over the past month, the only real move here is the promotion of Justin Upton. I'm sure TSA was rooting for Upton to stay down on the farm until call-ups, but thems the breaks.

Looking over this team's lineup, I still can't figure out how they aren't higher in the standings. I'd probably swap my roster for TSA's, yet as of press time my team was tied with them. (Teddy)

What's killing this team in the standings is the fact that they're 3rd to last in wins, despite having the Cy Young leader in the clubhouse in Erik Bedard along with studs in Kazmir and Dice-K. The problem is that's their only starters, there's no other pitchers like a Zito, Lilly or Vazquez that gives you a boost in W's and K's (the latter being something they don't need) while slightly injuring you in ERA and WHIP. Instead, there's relievers abound on the roster, and the occasional flyer that sucks like the aforementioned McGowan. It'd be one thing if they were kicking ass and taking names in the rate categories, but they're squarely middle of the pack there as well. Had this team had something resembling a "back of the rotation", I have to think they'd have an extra dozen wins under their belt, which would put them 2 points out of second place. (El Angelo)

Windy City Windfalls

Signed: Scott Rolen (3B, STL)

The prodigal owner returns with a transaction that shows that he's capable of jumping back into the league as though no time had passed since his departure in 2004--after all, that's the last time Scott Rolen was any good. Regardless, it's good to have him back. While we here at the GRBG are sorry to see Mike go, frankly, we're happier to see his replacement arrive. League supplies of dangerous booze and hypnotically replusive Europr0n were running low.

Also, WCW is a better team name than "M*ke" ever was, but that's true almost by default. (Teddy)

This is not a positive development for the league, as Corey actually knows what he's doing, follows baseball very well, and replaces an owner who seemed like a nice enough guy but could never rise above the bottom half of the league despite his valiant efforts to do so.

Also, for those of you not familiar with his body of work, Corey is the only Blue Jay fan I've ever met, presumably because he had a man crush on Tom Henke and those stunning eyes of his. So when you see Shawn Marcum being traded for Bill Hall and a 1st round pick, just nod your heads and realize it's not collusion, it's just Canadafandom taken to the nth degree. Though Corey's not even from our fair neighbor to the north, so that doesn't apply.

Regardless, Senor Miller inherits quite a rebuilding project, which is funny because his team was just about to get good once he left our group last time. There's a lot of fun keeper decisions ahead what with the new "+1" designation popping up for about 5 of his guys, and some guys that are just plain tough to read (Rickie Weeks?). Here's to more stupidity and intelligence being reintroduced to the group at the same time. (El Angelo)