Transaction Analysis: Friday the Thirteenth Edition

If the first TA was difficult because the early transactions brought out the best in teams, this one should be a piece of cake. There are some truly hideous players to follow. (ElAngelo)

Yep, this is the time of year when for some reason the crappy players on the waiver wire start looking better than the crappy players already on your roster. The grass is always greener over the septic tank. (Teddy)

bobcat goldthwaits

• Signed Ty Wigginton, IF, Tampa Bay; Released Bobby Crosby, SS, Oakland [4/7]
  
• Signed Jamey Carroll, MI, Colorado; Released Braden Looper, SP/RP, St. Louis; wrongly fooled around with Troy Tulowitzki, SS, Colorado [4/8-4/9]

If patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel, then Ty Wigginton is the last refuge of a fantasy cellar dweller. (Granted, I'm in last, but bear with me here.) I mean....Super Ty? He had a nice half a year in '06 before breaking in half, and now he's got to compete with the uber-fun logjam of outfielders in Tampa Bay, plus the BJ Upton Experience, plus the Japanese guy....I mean, I can't see him getting any real playing time down the stretch. And in terms of trade value, he's the next Craig Wilson. Blah. Actually, it's more an indictment as to how much Bobby Crosby's stock has fallen that he was dumped for Ty's Ass. Didn't our humble commish pick him in like the 2nd round last year? (ElAngelo)

Ty Wigginton is English for Antonio Graffanino; see the last TA for my thoughts on those kind of players. No sure what the upside is on Joe Barry Carroll, either. If anything I would have held on to Looper to see if he manages to turn into a useful starter, though I don't have the burden of two decades of Mets fannery weighing down on me as I say that.

Ed Rooney's Office

• Signed Brandon Morrow, RP, Seattle; Released Chris Reitsma, RP, Seattle [4/7]

I confess to having no clue who the fuck Brandon Morrow is, unless he's Edward's grandson. Given that co-counsel here is the learned scribe on All Things Mariners for SOSH, I'll turn the floor over to him for something in the way of explanation, although I note that he really can't be any worse than the Ghost of Chris Reitsma. Teddy? (ElAngelo)

Morrow was the team's first-round pick last year. They took him as a starter out of Cal, but he threw the ball great in ST this season and made the big league roster as a reliever. Mike Hargrove appears to have a mild man-chubby for Morrow, so if the inevitable JJ Putz breakdown comes mid-year, Morrow might have established himself as the next in line. Not that that's such an achievement considering the other options were Reitsma and the now-TJ'd Arthur Rhodes. (Teddy)

Evil Empire

• Signed Chad Gaudin, RP, Oakland; Released Jarrod Washburn, SP, Seattle [4/12]

The loud wind never reached the ship/Yet now the ship moved on!
Beneath the lightning and the Moon/The dead men gave a groan.
They groaned, they stirred, they all uprose/Nor spake, nor moved their eyes;
It had been strange, even in a dream,/To have seen those dead men rise. (ElAngelo)

There once was a pitcher named Jarrod
The M's made him richer than Herod
But once on the grass
He sucked him some ass
The team realized that they had errored. (Teddy)

Hand Bananas

• Signed Henry Owens, RP, Florida; Lyle Overbite, 1B, Toronto; and Jon Lester, SP, Boston; Released Mike Stanton, RP, Cincy [4/9]

Something of a mixed bag here; I applaud the decision to cut bait with Mike Stanton, as he and the entire Reds bullpen are definitionally going nowhere fast. Lester's a solid play as a pitcher who could improve, and Owens is not the dumbest idea I've heard in a try for vulture saves. But Lyle Overbite? He's Mark Grace minus the jackassity. What's interesting is that he's scarily a viable replacement-level 1B, showing the shallowness of that talent pool versus 3B or SS. (ElAngelo)

The Jon Lester move is a surprisingly long-focus one for a team that' s in contention. Lester won't be back with the big club until June at the earliest, with the team committed to bringing him along slowly after that whole pesky Lymphoma thing last season. That said, if Senor Banana can afford to burn a roster slot on him for the next couple of months, he could pay dividends after the ASB. (Teddy)

It's Enrico Palazzo

• Signed Livan Hernandez, SP, Arizona [4/7]
• Released Livan Livan [4/8]

Well that was fast, boring and sucky. There was also some inappropriate touching of Jason Hirsch here, which was quickly rectified once Hirsh pitched lights out on Wednesday. Man, how shitty was that Jason Jennings trade for the Astros? (ElAngelo)

Apparently IEP just wanted to get Livan some more service time towards his fantasy pension. It's a nice gesture, I guess. (Teddy)

Le Dupont Torkies

• Signed Mike Jacobs, 1B, Florida; Released Craig Hansen, RP, Boston/Pawtucket [4/7]
  
• Claimed Braden Looper SP/RP, St. Louis off waivers; Released Ryan Shealy, 1B, Kansas City [4/11]
  

What look like two moronic and disparate transactions actually make a lot of sense when you cross-multiply the players. Swapping out Looper for Hansen's an upgrade simply because Looper's, well, in the majors. The Jacobs/Shealy differential is something like picking out different types of mead; they're all similar, yet different, and none are going to be satisfactory. (ElAngelo)

The perhaps unsurprising lesson here is that the Big East isn't a fertile source of baseball talent. I think the devastating Mo Vaughn/John Valentin-era Seton Hall club was the last Big East team to contribute meaningful players to the bigs. If you'll note, that's now long enough ago that Valentin is a minor league hitting instructor and Big Mo (at right with Mass. furniture legends Bernie & Phyl) is the Thursday night bouncer at the Foxy Lady in Providence. Jacobs is a good player in a bad park; Shealy is a decent player in a good park. So that swap comes down to who happens to get hot over the next month. (Teddy)

M**e

• Signed Gary Matthews, Jr. Steroid Abuser, Anaheim; Released Fernando Rodney Fernando, RP, Detroit [4/8]
  

Jeezus, that was pretty quick to sour on Rodney, and on top of that, for a guy who put up a career year aided by steroids that he's now about 3 steps from indictment from? Hell, why not just pick up Jeremy Giambi instead and call it a team? (ElAngelo)

I've just heard from the GRBG's legal counsel, who pointed out to me the potential liability inherentin calling Gary Matthews, Jr. a steroid abuser. As always, counsel is correct. We apologize to Mr. Matthews for any implication that he used steroids at any time during his career. He in fact used Human Growth Hormone with a chaser of bovine stem cells. The GRBG will appoint an ombudsman to ensure that this sort of thing doesn't occur again in the future. (Teddy)

Nigerian Gentlemen

• Signed Joakim Soria, RP, Kansas City and Humberto Sanchez, RP, New York (AL); Released Jim Edmonds, OF, St. Louis and Aubrey Huff, 1B/3B/OF, Baltimore [4/11]

Picking up a fairly meaningless middle-reliever that's on the DL and a dice-roll in the Not-Dotel Sweeptstakes as your additions should draw ire and scorn from me, but in fairness, they shed some pretty high medical bills in the process here, and on top of that, both Jim Edmonds & Aubrey Huff are done in terms of useful fantasy production. I'm in a league that requires you to start 14 hitters, and neither guy is taken there, for crying out loud. (ElAngelo)

Maybe I'm just nostalgic, but I still think Edmonds has some value left. Of course at his age he's always one diving catch away from disaster, so the move to dump him is probably still the correct one. Huff is soon to be engaged in a playing-time death match against Kevin Millar and Jay Payton, which tells you a lot right there. Joakim Noah is a risky pickup, but I guess Okoye Nation sees some Chris Young-style upside there. Still, though, if you're going to grab a Gator, I would have gone with Arnold Horshack instead. (Teddy)

President Skroob

• Signed Felix Pie, OF, Chicago (NL) [4/11]
  

Suffice to say I'm banking on the Matt Murton/Jacque Jones experience ending soon. (ElAngelo)

Since I can't really quibble with the move, I'll instead ask whether Yahoo!'s spelling of this guy's name (with accent marks over each 'e') is correct. This information is critical so that we can decide whether to make pie jokes or paella jokes about him in the future. All input gratefully accepted. (Teddy)

The Sex Cannons

• Signed Reed Johnson, OF, Toronto; Released Orlando Cabrera, SS, Anaheim [4/11]
• Claimed John Danks, SP, Chicago (AL) off waivers; Released John Patterson, SP, Washington [4/12]

It took the entire TA, but we finally found a pickup that I like, as John Danks is a great flyer and a potentially excellent pitcher. Sure, the remaining portions of the DVD trio have looked like shit, but I'm bullish on his chances to be a big factor in the ChiSox rotation this year, especially as the greybeards up front start to have their arms fall off from overuse. I'm a bit less sold on the Reed Johnson Story, and think he's probably just fodder for the waiver wire in the outfield, but still, nice snag. See? I love ending these things on a happy note. (ElAngelo)

Agreed on the Danks move. Jesus, what a fluffy ending. May as well make it official: